


And I've been up the whole night, trying to get my head right

by summertimestar



Series: The art of falling in love thanks to anxiety [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Ryan's mom as guest star, Self-Doubt, but still an anxious baby, ryan finally getting his shit together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 05:40:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16340834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summertimestar/pseuds/summertimestar
Summary: He went through all the ideas he could possibly think of. A CD. A gift card. A book. An ironic rosary? Ironic holy water? He needed the perfect 'I’m thankful for what you did and it is not an I like you gift I don’t want you to think that way although I do like you that way' kind of gift.





	And I've been up the whole night, trying to get my head right

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ghoulboyboos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghoulboyboos/gifts).



> Hi I'm back with a second, I-didn'-plan-it-at-all part of anxious!ryan  
> Thank you all for being so sweet and kind to me!  
> Thanks to Sunshine for betaing this second part too and listen to me ramble about this- even though you aren't part of the fandom! Love you so much <3
> 
> For Ghoulboyboos \- a super late birthday present !
> 
> Title from How I Want Ya by Hudson Thames and Hailee Steinfeld

     How do you thank your best friend/crush for helping you come down from a panic attack? Sunday night, almost 24 hours since the incident, found Ryan thinking about Shane and a way to thank him. 

     Coffee? They already got coffee for each other! Monday to Thursday, the first one to arrive at the office would get both mugs ready, and on Fridays, they would take turns to get something from Starbucks. 

     Lunch? Too plain and simple. Ryan knew he was being complicated and picky about something that wasn’t that complicated; and he was afraid that being picky about it was showing everyone how much  in love he was with the person who was supposed to be his co-host, best friend, co-worker, anything but crush. 

     Ryan had got to a point of contempt with being in the  _Friends Only Please_  section of Shane’s life. He had worked really hard to suppress his feelings for the bigger picture; it wasn’t just him, but Shane’s feelings, the show, the entire office. The situation sucked? Hell yeah it sucked! But worst would be never speaking with Shane again, or making everyone uncomfortable at their work place.   

     Ryan lost track of time, staring at the ceiling, convinced that if he tried hard enough, the answer would appear in big bold letters. Probably in some WordArt style or something. Every single idea his  _I’m so in love with Shane Alexander Madej_  side of the brain had, his  _Ryan, for the love of God, can you stop being_ _dumb_ _and oh so in love_ _for just a second and a half?_  other side of the brain would discard in a heartbeat.   

**Hey mom,** **u up** **?**  

Hi love, yes. Is everything alright? 

**Sort of.** **Please don’t tell anyone. The thing is…**  

And in a very long text, Ryan poured his heart, hoping for the best. It helped. Finally being able to tell someone what was going on inside his mind, specially through a text; eliminating any possibility of being laughed at. Even though his mom would never laugh at his feelings, and even less in his face, in the back of his mind a tiny voice kept telling him how everyone would laugh at him and he should shut his mouth. Oh, anxiety… aren’t you so delightful! 

 

Oh, my dear baby. You are so in love 

(I know this is not the issue right now, but I just had to say it!!!!!!) 

**Mom… I need help** **.** **Did u** **read the full text???**  

Ryan Steven! I’m your mother and I’m allowed to be happy

because my son is in love. 

**Can u be happy after I have a solution for** **my** **problem? Please?**  

Can I have my happiness and you get your solution?

**Solution first.** **U have** **the rest of ur life to be happy for me.**  

**I only have until tomorrow. Thanks.**  

First: stop overthinking. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way for you,

he’s going to appreciate whatever you do for him.

 Second: how about a cute mug? You two love coffee,

and he can take it home or keep it there at the office.  

**A mug? With** **“sorry for having panic attacks”** **on it??**

**Or a “sorry for ruining your Saturday night** **”** **??**  

Are you going to complain about every single answer I give you?

Ryan. I compromised to be your mother, not to solve all of your problems.

You are not the easiest kid, sweetie. And you don’t even pay me!

**Should I?**  

Maybe. My full compromise finished when you turned 18. 

**Can we go back to my problems?**  

When you pay me or when you stop complaining.  

I didn’t raise a brat.  

**Sorry. I love you. Love me again so you can help me.**

A mug. Goodnight, I love you again. 

 

     Ryan looked at the wall pouting. He had betrayed himself. “Well… I’m fucked.” 

* 

     Monday morning arrived sooner than Ryan would have liked. He went through all the ideas he could possibly think of. A CD. A gift card. A book. An ironic rosary? Ironic holy water? He needed the perfect  _I’m thankful for what you did and it is not_ _an_ I like you _gift I don’t want you to think that way although I_ do _like you that way_ kind of gift. Do you think that’s complicated? Try with Ryan’s feelings. And suddenly “I FUCKING KNOW” 

     Ryan started running around his apartment, trying to pack everything for the day and of course, because he is Ryan, he couldn’t find his car keys. “Is there  _anything else_  to happen to me??????” and for a brief moment he allowed himself to thank the universe for living alone or all the talking to himself would be really awkward. Aaaaaaand he found the keys! Oh boy, the anxiety. 

     When he arrived to the office, Shane’s things were already there, but the seat was empty. Okay, he had some time to think how to go through this. Ryan took the present out of its box, sent a quick photo of it to his mom with a simple ‘thanks’ and put it in a brown paper bag. He grabbed a sharpie and quickly wrote a  _thank you so much for helping me and being a great friend_  :), placed the bag on Shane’s desk and turned on his computer. 

    Before Ryan could put his headphones on, a mug filled with coffee appeared in front of him. He looked up to see Shane standing between their chairs, smiling. “Good morning, Ry- oh hey! Is this for me?” Ryan smiled and nodded. He watched Shane read the note. He blushed when Shane smiled and wink at him while opening the bag. “Oh, nice! Thanks!” Shane said as he looked at the mug. It was black with white dots. “The design is… I don’t wanna be mean but I don’t get it” Shane laughed nervously and looked at Ryan.  

     “Pour something hot in it” was all Ryan said. Shane stared at him. Next thing, Shane is trying to pour his coffee from his plain white mug to his new one without spilling. Right there, between their chairs; Shane mumbled something about being easier to clean coffee off the floor.  Ryan's face turned into the embodiment of ‘?'. He is 100% sure he never saw something… like that.  

“Our, Ryan, look!” as the mug started to heat, lines appeared and the dots made sense. “Constellations! Oh there’s Taurus, that’s mine! They have the name written on it!” Shane finally sat on his chair and watched amazed at the drawings.  

     Ryan watched him and he couldn’t help but smile. He had made the right gift. His anxiety faded. Without much left to say or do, he put his headphones and started his work day.  

* 

     Ryan stood in the office kitchen, hips against the counter, waiting for the microwave to heat his lunch when Shane entered, brand new mug in hand. “Hey” Shane smiled at him, as he started to wash the mug. “Am I the only one that feels like this day is lasting too long? I can’t believe it’s only two pm.” Ryan only nodded absently. He didn’t think this through. Seeing Shane react so adorably to the present. Boy, it fueled his feelings. Now, he saw Shane cuter, prettier and hotter. Ryan almost jumped when he heard the microwave beep. He hurried to get his Tupper out and go back to his desk. 

     It wasn’t his intention, at all, to worry Shane or something similar; it was just hard to answer back with anything other than  _I’m fucking in love with you_ , he knew silence was better. But as a sign God, the universe or LeBron was sending him, Shane didn’t drop the subject and sat back on his chair facing Ryan. “Are you okay? We have been kinda busy this morning, but I thought you would be excited for lunch break to relax a bit and talk or something. Did I do something? The mug. Ryan, I’m your friend. You didn’t have to. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But… what kind of friend would I be if I left you on your own during a panic attack?” 

     Ryan’s heart never felt fuller than right there and then. And at the same time, so shaky and scared. Friend. Being in Shane’s  _Friends Only_  section was starting to bother him. It was a now or never. And the worst thing was that never was getting more convincing. Ryan didn’t want the never to win. So it was now. 

     “I like you. In a  _I want to date you_  like you. In a  _I would like to_ _bang you_  date you. In a  _I want to share months, years, my entire life_ _whatever fate wants_ like you. And I honestly don’t know how you feel. I didn’t want to think too hard about it because I know my anxiety would convince me that you only see me as a friend, and it’s okay if you do. I just had to share this with you because after the mug. Shane your smile was brighter than the sun! And I just want to make you happy. And please stop me because I know that I’m rambling and I already said way way too much but I can’t stop talking so ple–” 

     Shane stopped him. With a kiss. A sweet one. An  _I_ _got you_  one. An _I feel the same about you_  one. But it finished too soon. “Sorry. Hope it’s okay with you. What I meant to say is I really like you too. In all the ways you mentioned before. So… wanna go back to kissing again?”  

     Ryan laugh. “I truly don’t know why I like you, idiot.” And kissed Shane again.  

 Sweet. I got you. I feel the same about you.


End file.
